Apparently, I'm complicated.
For those few of you who know me very well are like "dang straight, you just now realize that?" and the rest of you are like "hmm, I knew there was something wrong with her". I really can't recall if I've written about this before or not, but for those of you who don't know I'm not normal. I realize this, but I really do have a hard time grasping "normal" social interactions. I'm the girl that my husband has to pull me aside afterwards and tell me that I probably came across rude. The girl who's husband gets asked regularly if I'm mad or if I'm ok. I really have been on the path to try and change but I'm having a really hard time. Like I've said before if life were a formula I'd be golden but unfortunately....
I guess I have a very hard personality to judge, read, dycipher. Those who know my family it's justified by saying "she's a Juday." As my husband says, I'm brutally honest, I have none and see no reason to "bs" around. Which I really don't, and I have never understood the formality of lying over silliness. I remember my brother telling me he's offended alot of people since he's moved to Japan by just saying what he feels. Apparently if you don't feel like pizza when dinner is being discussed you're supposed to come up with some lame excuse or try and steer them in another direction then to just say you don't want pizza. I don't get it. But this is the correct behavior? I guess, don't ask me :)
Second example, I'm at my neighbors and you don't understand, you get stuck over there FORever. But that's neither here nor there. Anyways I said I was going to go, and my neighbor said "why are you running off?" I said "I'm not. I just feel like going home." So I left. Later they ask Dan if I was ok, if I was mad with them....Geez. Dan said "nope, if she said she felt like going home that was the truth. She's super honest that way and isn't going to make up an excuse to leave like saying she needs to do laundry of something." Then they're like "really?" I must be some kind of like folklore creature or something, you hear stories about creatures like me but you've never seen one.
The last few months has kinda been a journey and a self-evaluation of myself which hasn't been too pretty. Trying to look at myself and see things that I need to change in order to change things/circumstances around me. So this has been a continual speed bump as I'm stuck in the traffic circle, you know? As I've been looking at myself I still can't figure out how I came to be this way. Whether over the course of time I just shut myself off towards others and became this person or if it really is just my personality. Not saying that's an excuse at all, but if my natural tendency is towards the negative. But I also had a hard time talking to others about this because some of them tell me "no, you're not unfriendly" but using my new senses I get the feeling they are being socially agreeable and telling me that I'm totally fine.
Sorry for the "a little too personal" rant. But this has been on my mind, and like I said I can write about whatever I feel like. So there. :) I don't know if any one else has been in my shoes or has felt this way. I just don't know how to come across real without feeling like I'm being fake. Bubbly and outgoing would never be words to describe me, but I want to come across at least approachable without feeling like a valley girl smeared with fakeness. (How descriptive of me.)
I guess I have a very hard personality to judge, read, dycipher. Those who know my family it's justified by saying "she's a Juday." As my husband says, I'm brutally honest, I have none and see no reason to "bs" around. Which I really don't, and I have never understood the formality of lying over silliness. I remember my brother telling me he's offended alot of people since he's moved to Japan by just saying what he feels. Apparently if you don't feel like pizza when dinner is being discussed you're supposed to come up with some lame excuse or try and steer them in another direction then to just say you don't want pizza. I don't get it. But this is the correct behavior? I guess, don't ask me :)
Second example, I'm at my neighbors and you don't understand, you get stuck over there FORever. But that's neither here nor there. Anyways I said I was going to go, and my neighbor said "why are you running off?" I said "I'm not. I just feel like going home." So I left. Later they ask Dan if I was ok, if I was mad with them....Geez. Dan said "nope, if she said she felt like going home that was the truth. She's super honest that way and isn't going to make up an excuse to leave like saying she needs to do laundry of something." Then they're like "really?" I must be some kind of like folklore creature or something, you hear stories about creatures like me but you've never seen one.
The last few months has kinda been a journey and a self-evaluation of myself which hasn't been too pretty. Trying to look at myself and see things that I need to change in order to change things/circumstances around me. So this has been a continual speed bump as I'm stuck in the traffic circle, you know? As I've been looking at myself I still can't figure out how I came to be this way. Whether over the course of time I just shut myself off towards others and became this person or if it really is just my personality. Not saying that's an excuse at all, but if my natural tendency is towards the negative. But I also had a hard time talking to others about this because some of them tell me "no, you're not unfriendly" but using my new senses I get the feeling they are being socially agreeable and telling me that I'm totally fine.
Sorry for the "a little too personal" rant. But this has been on my mind, and like I said I can write about whatever I feel like. So there. :) I don't know if any one else has been in my shoes or has felt this way. I just don't know how to come across real without feeling like I'm being fake. Bubbly and outgoing would never be words to describe me, but I want to come across at least approachable without feeling like a valley girl smeared with fakeness. (How descriptive of me.)
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